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Newest Football Team: Trump University Traitors

Don Fitz

Lying in bed Superbowl Sunday night, I saw the news of the spectacular win by the Patriots. Dozing off, I mused: Wouldn't it be a SuperDuperBowl if the “Patriots” played a team called the “Traitors?” But who would dub themselves “Traitors?”

I drifted into the strangest dream.

Donald Trump was surrounded his coterie. “I want to bring back Trump University with a football team,” bellowed the great leader. “We'll buy the best players in the country and win the Superbowl! All we need is a little jingle for the cheerleaders. What about this:”

Get lost Muhammad,

Juan, and María,

Go starve or get shot.

We don't want to see 'ya.

Sorry, sire,” Mike Pence apologized. “The Superbowl is for professional teams and that leaves Trump U out.

Then I'll make a proclamation. I will decree that college teams can pay players anything they want. They won't even have to take courses – they can just pretend they are studying and still get paid. And if the team has enough money, it can buy into any league it wants.”

Such brilliant legal insight!” congratulated Neil Gorsuch. “If there is a court challenge, just say it's not much different from what college sports already do.”

I don't know.” Betsy DeVos had a worried look. “Educational institutions should be positive and emphasize their strong points. This is my thought:”

We're the best

'cause we're so white.

Go Trump U;

and fight, fight, fight.

That is so good,” Melania chimed in. “When the cheerleaders chant it, make them show their respect for white womanhood. They should wear pussycat tails.”

Don't forget spirituality,” Pence butted in. “Here's something with a little 'Onward Christian Soldiers' theme for the Trump team:”

Kick 'em in the nuts;

stomp 'em in the face.

We will win this game

with God's almighty grace.

No, no, no,” objected DeVos. “It's not enough to praise the Almighty. The cheerleaders must chastise the inferior at the same time. Maybe...”

We hate the nigger.

We hate the jew.

If you don't love Jesus,

we'll hate you, too.

That's divine!” Pence clasped his hands together. Without moving his head, he turned his eyes to the heavens, whispering softly, “It unites our faith in God with our feelings about being the master race. We can finally express our true feelings. And we will have a football team whose every play will be designed by God.”

It's settled then,” Trump announced. “You are fantastic people, truly fantastic. We will buy a team. We have a cheerleader yell. What can our mascot be? Let's think. We hate the old who need social security. We hate the sick who need Medicare. We hate women who need an abortion. We hate everyone who believes in evolution or climate change or doesn't like fossil fuels or nuclear power. We hate immigrants, the backward races, and everyone from the Middle East and Asia and Latin America. We hate Americans with physical disabilities and mental disabilities and those who are just different. They are all losers.

He paused, thinking of anyone he might have overlooked. “We hate Americans who are over-educated and the ones who are under-educated. And we hate the queer, the faggot, the dyke, the bisexual, the transgender and any American who has copulated in an unauthorized position.”

I think you have them,” Gorsuch nodded. “Remind me again why we hate so many Americans.”

Trump shot a reptilian stare. “We hate so many Americans because we hate America itself. That's it,” he roared, pounding the table with both fists. “That's our mascot. We'll be the 'Traitors!' The 'Hate-Every-American-Traitors.' The Trump University Traitors.”

Pence jumped on the presidential desk, shrieking “Trump, God and country – in that order!”

Trump moaned, “Protect out precious bodily fluids.”

Melania purred, “O-o-o-h Mr. President. I want to model a pussycat tail.”

The image began to fade as wakefulness crept in and I realized it was only a dream. “How could anything that weird seem so real?” I asked. Nothing like that could actually happen.

Don Fitz is on the Editorial Board of Green Social Thought, which is sent to members of The Greens/Green Party USA. He produces the show Green Time in conjunction with KNLC-TV in the City of St. Louis. He can be reached at